I dislike morning rage as I’m sure it doesn’t set me up appropriately for the day.

However this morning one person was nearly the case of some rage as I was, surprise, driving in to work.

Things were looking good at one point, where 2 motorways join, the slip road that filters traffic onto the motorway I drive down usually is a cause of massive congestion, as the smart people that designed the roads decided that 2 lanes was enough to carry the entire traffic of one motorway, combined with the influx of 3 more potential lanes from the ajoining motorway. Great stuff.

So this morning I glance left and see flashing blue lights coming down the filter lane, aha! Police car, result, everyone will move out of the way (Eventually) and I can sit behind the thing doing the maximum legal limit and whizz to work because the tossers that plonk themselves in the outside lane at 50mph will move.

It’s going well for all of a minute, then I see a large BMW X5 beast take about 20 seconds to realise that the police car is there and move out of the way. So I’m sat behind the police car going along nicely, and twat in the BMW decides that doing their 40 mph would be much better suited in the outside line, smack bang infront of me. So Mr or Mrs prick (unknown at this stage) moves sideways without so much of a hint of indication back out infront of me on frosty roads doing 30mph less.

I wouldn’t care if they put their foot down, but no, fuck all. Slam on the brakes, police car goes off into the distance where countless other fucking morons just swerve back out into the fast lane of the motorway, and sit there at 40mph in a continual fashion of cutting each other up and the scene turns into a sea of brakelights. Splendid.

So anyway, to test the awareness of cunt in the BMW, I drift back into the “slow” lane of the motorway and pull along side said cunt in the X5 monster machine. Middle finger pressed firmly up against the window I sit with it there for a good 2 minutes solid, not a peep. No reaction, no indication the person even knows that a) someone is nearly undertaking them b) someone nearly went into the back of them because of their shit choice and c) someone has been flipping them off for nearly 2 miles. One of those utter wankers that just sits there staring forward and only forward in their own little world as if their fucking neck has seized into one position due to the icey weather.

So Mrs X5 as we have now established decides that holding everyone up in the fast lane for 3 miles has been good enough and she decides she wants the same junction as me. I see this huge looming object just swerving back towards my car again, no indication, turns out she wants my space on the road yet again and without even fucking looking just decides shes going to take it from me, willingfully or not. So I again hit the brakes, she pulls into the gap where I was, I flash my lights at her and use the horn, nothing at all. No reaction, no hand in the air, no indicators on to say thanks, totally oblivious.

We then proceed up the road for another mile behind a cyclist at 10 mph, because she can’t work out that i’s a 2 lane dual carriage way, and going around the cyclist would be the thing to do. Except no one can get round the cyclist now, because shes pulled out half into the lane she’s in and half into the other overtaking lane, and won’t move. This gets better.

Crawl up to a roundabout and she’s in the left hand lane, I’m in the right, signalling right. Turns out, because I’m a fucking mind reader and saw it coming, she wanted to go right as well. So on queue without prompting she swerves straight infront of me on the roundabout, cutting me up yet again and I’m sat behind her again at the barrier to work. But oh no, the barrier is down so she’ll have to get the badge out and wave it against the sensor. But double oh no shes parked so fucking far away from the sensor she can’t reach, so she has to get out of the fucking car after trying to find her badge.

So that done, the barrier goes up, she waddles back into the car, puts seatbelt on, windows back up, checks herself, whatever the fuck she does she doesn’t do it in time to get through the barrier. So she’s out again, tries again, fails. Has to back the car up with people now queing behind her, we’ve all moved back for fear of getting ploughed by this giant X5 and she’s finally managed to get close enough to get the badge on the sensor whilst in the car.

It’s about this point that if I had skills that would instantly kill someone on the spot, I’d put them to good use as she puts her foot down to pull away into the work compound. You see, you can go left or right, there is parking both ways, having killed her on the spot as she started to lurch forward, I start having fantasies about her rampaging towards the front exit of the building, ploughing her car into the revolving doors and shredding her face on the windscreen as she half crashes through it.

By the time I’ve parked and have made my way to the entrance her fat fucking frame is still wedged on the horn of the car, a giant blood bubble erupting it’s way out of her nose as the cracked windscreen slowly works it way up into the remains of her neck under the pressure of the angle she went through, causing a slowly freezing waterfall of blood down the bonet of the car.

If only.