Something must be wrong when Red Dead Redemption gets a 9.7 out of 10, and Alpha Protocol scores around the 6 mark.

Sorry, but RDR was just a shitter version of GTA4, which in itself was a massive let down. Buggy experiences with missions and general world physics, shit control methods that make the user nervous that the player character isn’t going to randomly run off the side of a ledge to their death via one stab of the stick, linear missions in a sandbox world that bare absolutely fuck all relation to the consequences of what you’ve done before or in between…

Sure it killed some time but it wasn’t ground breaking, often it was predictable and boring and it most certainly was not incredible by any stretch of the imagination. Now I’ve done the main story line, I find a complete and utter lack of interest to go back and finish the “challenges” or completing the “outfits”, or anything else that contributed absolutely nothing at all to the main story line. So I haven’t.

Now, I went out on a limb with Alpha Protocol because I resented the way all the shops thrust it to the “top of the charts” into the #1 selling position, merely because they ran out of copies of RDR. I thought the price drop was just because of the fact RDR came out at the same time and potentially overshadowed the game out of existence and into the budget bins.

So when I saw it on offer for 20 quid, or whatever it was, I thought hrm worth a stab. It mentions action and it mentions its an RPG, both of which when done properly can be quite splendid. Although a splendid game these days is fucking rocking horse shit at the best of times. I started playing, I can’t claim to have been hooked or captivated, but you know what, I was having fun. I took the time to learn about the characters through the dossiers you can activate by collecting intel, I paid attention to the conversations, I took in all the aspects of customising the character and the weapons and I appreciated the ability to veer conversations off in different directions which actually had an impact on what happens next.

The combat itself is difficult at times, but you don’t always have to engage, stealth can play a large part. The mini games you partake on missions to disable alarms, open door locks, crack safes, hack computers etc are all actually well thought out and varied. At first some of them are ridiculously hard (hacking a computer) but points can be added early on to the character skill set to ease this and make things easier… as in training the character. I appreciated the way that the player character couldn’t fire weapons in a masterful fashion from the outset and you can actually miss shots and be forced to upgrade talents to provide noticeable benefits.

Alpha Protocol dares to have a fucking health bar, A FUCKING MEN TO THAT I SAY. I can not stand these pathetic excuses for games that save at every possible corner turn, that bring you back to full health after being shot 5 times in the face simply by taking cover and sitting still. How is that possibly a challenge? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a sadist. For example Demon’s souls took the concept of punishment FAR in excess and as a result the difficulty gradient is so large it makes the game quite an unjoyable. Almost inaccessible to the average user and harking back to the oldschool days of say, Ghouls and Ghosts where 2 hits kills you and there are no save points through an entire level. AP punishes you for fucking up but doesn’t dump you back to the absolute start of the level so a bit of work is needed to catch back up, but not loads.

I read a few reviews after I played it to see what other people thought, opinion seems to be split, most noticably from the game reviewers and the public though. I am a bit miffed. I do not see how something like RDR which was a more boring version of GTA4, that offered nothing new at all and put linear, buggy missions into a sandbox world in a wild west setting was ever deserving of “incredible” status. I found the whole thing a test of my patience and actually quite boring. Its difficult to die, unless some random bug kills you outright such as your horse falling off a 1 foot tall rock and instakilling you, and the aiming system in default mode will auto lock on to anyone moving in front of you.

Most people remark on the graphics for AP and to be honest, so fucking what? The game is fun, it has multiple ways of being played, it offers the chance for people to actually think about what they’re doing and make an informed choice on how the story will play out. What does it matter if the graphics aren’t massively up to par?

One thing I will say is the combat could use improvement and is sometimes a bit annoying, as is the AI of someone you’re trying to protect who has no issues with standing on live grenades, or running directly infront of your own assault rifle fire… but hey, these small matters can be forgiven because the rest of the game plays so well and entertains in an intelligent way for once.

If you come from the background of playing games where you want to earn an achievement, if you like the action crossed with RPG elements and you aren’t that worried about the flashiest graphics around, give the damn thing a go. If you come from the Modern Warfare generation and just like games that hold your hand, provoke very little in the way of rational or intelligent thought, and simply do not allow you to fail if you own an IQ of more than 60, then I wouldn’t bother.

I suspect the game reviewers from most places fall into this sub par 60 IQ territory, as all of them have seemed to condemn a really involving and generally “good” game to the levels of dirt…  and marked up a bland, linear, repetitive, uninvolved time sink to levels of “incredible”. It sucks, get a fucking brain.

These people can go fuck themselves so far up the ass until the elbow disappears and it starts to envelope shoulders.

By law in this retarded little country I have to pay for a “license” to use a TV just because it is capable of receiving a broadcast RF signal. This is to fund, ta da, the BBC. I do not watch the BBC, I do not use their services and as a result, I do not want to fucking pay them any cunting money.

But apparently just because my TV can accept an RF signal I owe them for it. I don’t just owe them for it on a flat rate either. By paying a direct debit for a 6 month period they automatically want me to pay for an entire fucking year over those 6 months, and then continue paying the full amount over the next year too.

To me that suggests they get 6 months of extra money out of me, for fuck all, whilst raking in the interest generated from every other poor cunt that makes use of the service.

“Can’t I just pay on a monthly basis, for what I owe on a monthly basis?” I asked.

*Confused silence*
“Er no sir, you have to pay the set amounts in advance”

“But I don’t want to pay you double for a service I won’t even use, why is it up to me to claim it back? Can’t I just pay what I actually owe per month?”

“We like our customers to be ahead in their payments”

“I’m sure you do, it means you get double the money owed for no particular reason and then it’s up to me to claim it back. I don’t want to do it that way, I just want to pay, what I owe, on an monthly basis”

*More confused sounds*
“Sir this is our policy, we can’t just make a policy up to suit you”

Yeah that’s right, something logical, fair and that disallows you guys to make money out of my already taxed wages sounds a completely fucking TERRIBLE idea doesn’t it. The interest they must make out of the entire number of people in this country overpaying by £70 odd quid a year must be astronomical. Imagine 10 million households in the country have a license, that’s 700 million pounds a year they’re sat on for fuck all, making interest on it.

I appreciate interest rates aren’t through the roof right now but even at 1% they’re looking at 7 million pounds a year interest just in overpayments, and they still make the most pathetic TV content in the world.

The worst part about this, is not the fact its a business trying to rip people off, which it clearly fucking is; its the fact that people are LEGALLY BOUND to pay them. They don’t try and work out if you have a TV  in the fist place, you just get sent threatening letters of fines automatically.

Apparently its their “policy” to setup rip off direct debits in this way to finance pigshit television that about 10% of the country can relate to - and no one has a fucking choice about how to pay for it, or even it seems, how much, because it’s breaking the law to tell them to fuck off.

It’s an absolute disgrace, I can see why the government would never scrap this system as its a license to print cocking money. What else do you know where you have to not only pay for a service you’ve not yet used up front, but the emphasis actually gets placed onto you to claim back what you don’t use because it’s their “policy”.

I paid for the TV, I pay for the electricity to make it work, I pay for the house to use it in, I pay for the Sky subscription so I can watch the channels on that network. Why the fuck should I owe someone else money when I’ve already paid every other mother fucker holding their hand out.

What if I ring up in the next 3 months or so and tell them I’m unhappy with the level of service, quality of programming and I want my fucking money back. Oh that’s right, its a legal requirement to buy a “license” for a television set so there is nothing I can do at all.

Absolute, prime examples of complete and utter cunts.

Fuck off and die horribly anyone who works for the TV licensing company, anyone at the BBC, anyone related even in the loosest sense. Just leave me alone and get a worth while fucking job and a better existence.

The kind people who incorrectly put the wrong address against my name on the electoral register and thus prevented me from voting in the general election, then blamed me for “moving house without telling them” from an address that didn’t exist in the first place have struck again.

I moved out of my flat, closed my account and was told that I would be owed money. Great.

Then 2 weeks later in my new property a bill drops through the door for 100 quid.

What?

I look at the bill and it claims the payments I made by direct debit, plus the discount for living on my own adds up to 50 odd quid more than the payments I owe. So why the bill?

Then I catch the line “Refund: £152.20″.

They’re asking me for a straight 100.00 quid back.
Sorry but that’s too much of a co-incidence for me, exactly 100 quid to the penny?

I rang them up and three times it was mentioned the problem was “because I cancelled the direct debit”. I tried to explain 3 times that I hadn’t cancelled the direct debit, they had when they closed the account.

Besides, if I’ve paid more than I owe, what has the DD got to do with anything?

What was obvious to me by this point was I’d be refunded too much money. That was the long and short of it, the difference I was owed back was 52.20. They’ve given me 152.20. And then without any explaination at all, or apology, or ANYTHING just sent me a bill for 100 quid after I’ve moved out of the area over a month ago.

The fact it was a straight 100 quid they were asking for pointed heavily to a fuckup their end, not me and guess what, I was right.

Finally the lady admitted they’d closed the direct debit themselves when I’d called up on the 9th about the account, and lo and behold yes they’d fucked up and given me too much money back.

So instead of actually just writing to me saying “We’re sorry, made a mistake, please can we have our 100 quid back” I just get sent a fucking bill for a “refund”. Well basically my answer to that is go fuck yourselves, until you apologise to me for the first fuckup then taking liberties the second time billing me for a mistake, I’m going to sit on your 100 quid for as long as possible.

Buried DEEP WITHIN MY ASSHOLE.

After 25 years custom I’m leaving these assholes.

Moving house shouldn’t be that much of a fucking hassle, I mean really, I walked into NatWest and said “I’ve moved house”. They got me to tell them the new address after verifying that I was me via the use of my chip and pin card, they changed my address.

It took me 3 fucking minutes.
In and out.
You listening to this NationWide you bunch of spastic twats?

Nationwide refuse to sign me back up to their pathetic online banking system because the address I requested the details to be sent to were not the ones on file.  I can understand that, but their recommended way of changing your address is by going online.

Considering the details they send you are fucking arbitrary for the most part remembering non personal 6 digit pin codes and a random 10 digit customer number makes it fucking impossible to actually use the service in an online or mobile fashion. I mean who carries around that sort of information with them, from a practical and security point of view. If you can’t keep it in your head it’s not secure in the first fucking place.

Anyway, I digress, so I wanted to change my details. I rang them up, answered all the security questions, then was told I couldn’t change the address over the phone. Their “policy”. I can ALMOST understand this as people can get hold of personal information, however I quoted digits from a pin code and letters from a password. What more do they fucking want a copy of my DNA?

So I had to go to a branch. Joy. I went into town on the bus and went into the branch. Instead of just proving who I was and quoting the new address I had to fill in an entire fucking A4 sheet with so many fields of information it was annoying. I filled it out, got back in line and waited another 15 minutes for a free cashier.

I approached, explained I was given the form and I’d filled it out and I wanted to change my addresses. Can I see some ID please? Yes of course you can, proving that I am in fact me seems pretty important at this point I’ll give them that.

No, something with your new address on it.

Excuse me?

I need something with your new address on it.

The fact that I had my fucking bank card with the account details on it wasn’t enough.
The fact I had my driving license with a picture of my fucking face on it, with the old address I was moving from, was not enough.

Do you have a passport?

Er… yes, but not on me?

Oh.

What use was that going to be anyway? You renew your passport and driving license every 10 fucking years, what chance am I going to have that two weeks after moving house they would mystically have my new address on them? Fuck all, that’s what.

So do you have anything like a utility bill?

No, strangely enough it doesnt mention that anywhere on the fucking form, or the people on the phone I spoke to.

Oh well we need that.

Why?

It’s our policy, for your security.

So at this point I’m sat there wondering what they’re trying to secure me from? The inability to quote my new, correct address? A fucking spastic moment where I’d walk in and re-register my card to an address that wasn’t fucking mine? For a laugh?

I explained that I’ve proven who I am, how the hell can they refuse to accept my new address from my own fucking mouth? Not good enough.

Oh apparently though, if I’m unhappy I can send a letter in to their head office address.

I asked how this was helpful to me and they explained that they have my signature “on file” and can verify it that way.

Wait a minute…

The same fucking signature on the back of my valid bank card for the account I want to change the details of. That I am holding in my hand? The same one that no doubt appears as a sample on their cunting computer screens when looking up my details? The very same one I could have provided, in front of their very faces at the branch I was stood in as well as about 3 other valid forms of ID.

Oh no that’s not acceptable. Me being there in person and being able to prove several times over is not good enough, but a simple faceless, insecure common snail-mail letter with my signature on it holds the power of the sun.

So lets consider this for a second, someone, anyone, can send a letter saying they want to change my registered address on my bank account, to their head office and a simple signature will be fine. That is all they need, the ability to emulate or copy my signature. Absolutely no issues.

Me being present in the branch with my bank card, photo ID including a driving license for the address I’m trying to change, able to recreate said signature as many times as they require is not.

What a bunch of fucking useless, shit headed morons.
First chance I get, I’m closing my account of a quarter of a century and I’m never going near the useless pricks again. 2010 and with all the security in place they could ever ask for, that I can validate, they’re taking the piss out of me.

So lets play a little game.

If anyone does happen to know enough about me, my previous address, my full name etc.
Feel free to try it on. Write to Nationwide, impersonate me and change my fucking address for me, because at the moment short of jumping through their cocking hoops I have no other choice and don’t seem to give a shit that I’m threatening to leave.