Good evening, Internet.

I’d like to share with you some of the most utterly ridiculous and brain-numbingly stupid groups and fan pages I have found on facebook in recent times.

Let’s start with the first one:

‘BRING BACK THE ENGLISH CHRISTMAS’

This is quite laughable in itself. What indeed -IS- an English Christmas in the first place? Is this where both parents (Yes, both, not chantelle and her 5 kids) sit around a fireplace with their family smiling and opening presents before preparing an almighty feast, whilst the snow gently drifts down from the sky? Maybe little Timmy can learn the true meaning of Christmas this way whilst Dad smokes his pipe on ‘his’ chair.

With members commenting such delights as “I bet the Nativity wont be all English will it
Its bound to have sum polish or American in it!”

WELL SHIT MY LEG OFF. That might even be a nice adaptation. It couldn’t happen though, if it were to have Americans in as well, there would be friendly-fire all over the place. Anyway.

Snap out of it. Every Christmas, in England, is and English Christmas. Ironically, a lot of members are also members of the next group which is:

“It’s not Christmas until the Coca Cola lorry is on the telly”

Really? Does this form part of the ‘English Christmas’ now too? It’s almost as similar of saying “Oh I’m a Communist but the Nazi party did have the right idea. Anyway, enough about Christmas. I hope you’ve got your retard-translator ready for:

“IF U DONT LYK ME U NO WAT TO DO FUCK OFF”

For those of you that couldn’t understand this title, it says “If you don’t like me, you know what to do - Fuck Off.” This clearly is the best attitude to have with life these days, as I’m sure many of the group members think. What about “If you don’t like me, ask me why and maybe we can resolve things?” or “I’m not interested in your opinions so please leave me alone”.

No. We’re going to resort to the playground styled “HE DOESN’T LIKE ME SO I DON’T LIKE HIM”. I wonder how many of the group’s members have had situations with unrequited love before? There’s a poll for the future. I think the actual title of the group irriates me like some kind of vaginal rash more than the actual content to be fair. The same cannot be said however for:

“i love text talk!!!! ♥♥♥”

If there is one thing that has ruined language more ‘Harry Potter’ being accepted in the Oxford English Dictionary it’s fucking ‘txt spk’. I was considering writing this paragraph completely in text speak, but then on re-reading it I had stroke and lost all feeling in my face. These people are traitors against language and should be muted until they can write it properly. Even if it means sending an extra SMS because of it. Speaking of being accused of a traitor, which I have very recently leads me to the next group which is patriotically called:

“PROUD TO BE ENGLISH”

Sounds harmless, right? Nothing wrong with being proud to be English. I’m half-english. I’m pretty OK with it. It’s an alright place to live in the grand scheme of things. But check out some of these comments:

Jimmy Mcewan -“kick out packi scum”
Simon Stubbs - “we should bring back the death sentance. . .no second chances…”
Kevin Fish - “british is white n only white it should stay tht way”

Oh, and my personal favorite:

Russell Ashdown
“If your that proud to be ENGLISH like me! would you vote for the BNP? like me! NO I DIDN’T THINK SO( HYPOCRITE’S ) IT WONT BE LONG WE WONT HAVE AN ENGLAND!”

Oh dear me. It looks like we’ve stumbled on yet another “I’m a nationalist racist!” group rather than something a little patriotic. I feel the spelling (And Russell’s punctuation) does reflect the IQ of the people that join. Something else striking on there was the massive support for the (illegal and unethical) war in Iraq - Not just the troops, but the slaughter of foreigners. I guess we didn’t get enough in the crusades and have gone back to finish the job. Another knee-jerk group I found which people seem to have joined is:

“BOYCOTT STARBUCKS IN SUPPORT FOR OUR TROOPS!”

First off, let me tell you how much it ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF ME how many people will unwaveringly give their support without even doing their homework. As you’ll see in this link, the whole thing is an urban legend.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/starbucks.asp

Doesn’t it raise questions in your head when you put your name against these things? Why would a corporation waste time informing members of the general public that “We don’t want anything to do with our solidiers” when it’s obvious it would turn out to be a PR officer’s worst nightmare? I am going to be blunt about the next one, by the way:

Woolworths - Bring it Back to the Highstreet.

No, don’t. There’s a reason it failed in the first place. Even if you are losing a part of your precious ‘British Identity’ because of irresponsible money management, the fact remains that no-one went there anymore. And even if they did return, you still wouldn’t. So stop moaning. The next group made me laugh-out-loud. I’m not even kidding. In a tasteless way, maybe, but christ - What will some people do for attention? This:

Baby P (Cry For Them Not Me ) Promotions

Yep. you read that right. Baby P promotions.

Say it again. Out loud. Baby. P. Promotions.

For those of you that don’t know, Baby P isn’t the latest rap sensation, nor is he a secret agent. He was a child called Peter who unfortunately died due to the neglect of his parents and the failings of haringey social services. Anyway, because of the massive media hype regarding this child that died, it rallied the unwashed masses into a frenzy - so much so they released a single of people singing about how child abuse is bad. Of course, a single needs a promotions company, right? So Baby P Promotions were formed. It seems a bit of a one trick pony to be fair, Unless after the hoo-ha has died down a little, they might expand into the hip-hop market?

I was hunting for comments from certain people on this, to find a ‘Jade Heppenstall’ who ticked all the boxes of ‘Text message slang, Ill-informed, and ‘Generally Annoying’ so viewed her profile. I then noticed she was the admin of a group called:

My bastard of an ex has f**ked off with a chav

Well. Gutted, really.

Here’s a picture of the lass that made the community:

http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs135.snc1/5768_117811590468_514190468_3544857_5070554_n.jpg

Anyway, she seems like a bitter one.

I informed my good friend Andy about such like and he pointed out a group I came across last week too. Strap yourself in for:

I CAN’T BELIEVE I USED TO FANCY U! - WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

Well, clearly at the time you were both into each other. It doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out. People change. Some a lot more than others. But really guys? Really? This? I am pretty sure that his group would be members of our final group:

I hooked up with my best friends ex/ I hooked up with my ex’s best friend

Really nice there guys. This paints quite a picture, especially when you see the amount of ‘LIKES’ on someone’s page it gets too!

I guess the conclusion of this note could be ‘Be careful what you are putting your name to.’ Some things aren’t quite what they seem. And the ones that are? Well, at least have a good opinion on the matter before making yourself look stupid.

Love!